marmite breath slept here

Thank you so much to everybody who commented during De-Lurking week!!  I really appreciate the comments and interest in my little blog.

To the ex-family and ex-friends that didn't comment, thanks a lot for your support.   You're off my Christmas card list and I probably never liked you anyway.   Losers.

So, where was I?  Oh yes, I'm home.  That is such a long drive.  It was good on the way down there because I was lucky enough to stop halfway there and stay the night at Meghan's (Thanks, Meg!) and that broke up the trip and allowed me to rest, eat banana bread, and use some of her expensive facial products.  (I hate to admit it, but I did think, "If I didn't have these pesky kids, I would SO be spending $67 on moisturizer).  

God! I've got to stop getting distracted when I blog.  GAH! Anyway, on the way back I did the drive in one go.  Ugh.  I'm home now though.  I'm rested.  I'm a little sad.  Did I mention that I saw Gran??

The same Gran who now knows that she is popular and loved by the Internet?  Yeah, that one!   I have proof that we were together!

You'll all be glad to know that she was amazing.  Funny, emotional, insane and amazing.  I loved every minute with her.  We had a birthday dinner and got her a cake, and it caused her to go into floods of tears, as usual.  How strange it was though, to see her without Grandad Tom.  I kept thinking he would pipe up with a comment while we sat around the kitchen table, and when he didn't, I felt this emptiness.  Auntie Mac looks so much like him (and it was awesome to see her too), and she talks about him with such reverence.  Gran talks about him like he's still here, and so I forget sometimes, that he's not.  She would shout out, "Tom!" and it took me a second to realize she was talking to my son.  

We laughed a lot though, and walked around the thrift stores chatting away and arguing about the monarchy.   The kids think she is magic.  She hid sweets in a chest of drawers and told the kids about the Magic Sweetie Drawer.  She made Aidan truly believe in faeries.  She made Tom gasp with surprise when sweets appeared out of nowhere.  Hadleigh wore a pair of earrings that Gran had given to me when I was Hadleigh's age.  Gran bought her a pretty bracelet to wear with them.   She did the same things with them that she did with me when I was little and I felt incredibly grateful that my kids love her so much and have the chance to know her.

Leaving yesterday made me go through my usual (and previously blogged about) feeling of, "Damn it all to hell, I hate goodbyes!!" but I am so used to it now.  I can't help feeling that way with Grandma though.  We live thousands of miles and an ocean apart, and she's such a wrinkly old coffin dodger, that I always think to myself, "This might be the last time I see her" and then I cry and get snot everywhere. 

Still, the visit was great.   Too short, but full of little pockets of happiness that I can greedily remember when I'm not doing anything else.   I wish Carly could have been there though.  Somehow it wasn't complete without her.   Miss you, Sis!

Oh, on a more frivolous note, I was extremely disciplined with my healthy eating.  All I had to do was keep in mind those SlimFast ads from a few years ago.  Remember those?  A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a sensible dinner. 

I had to change it up a bit though, you know, to keep it interesting.  All I changed was, instead of a shake, it was a scone for breakfast*, a scone for lunch** and then a sensible dinner.***

Aaah, I am so sensible.  I have hidden the scales though.   I'm sick of being a slave to them.  Dad is too.  He ate so much cake that he decided to try aversion therapy.  Unfortunately, the wine prevented him from saying aversion.  It came out as aversive, eversive, avasive and then he smashed cake into his face.  We just laughed helplessly and looked forward to the day when it will be legal to have him put away for being a dork.

So, Rhonda was fine.  I won't talk about the stupid boy who made her cry. She claims that I should not be mad at him, but I hate seeing her cry.  It makes me feel like the world is upside down, or spinning the wrong way.  See, Rhonda is the one who makes people cry.  Not the other way round!  She drank my glass of wine for me and we slept in the same bed like when we were kids.  I had to pass gas really loudly to make her laugh.  It was me being kind!  Not gross!  PS) Olives hate my stomach.  PPS) I don't usually say pass gas.  I am trying to be more refined and less like Rosanne Barr.

Aidan, Tom, and Hadleigh survived on a diet of Dolly Mixtures, Jelly Babies, Cake, Hot Dogs, Calamari and Sprite.  They worked it off by jumping on the trampoline.   Mum took my kids out on Friday to a bouncy castle place and then took them to the Dollar Store where they were allowed to buy what their hearts desired. 

I think they hate leaving more than I do. 

They love it so much there, and they love being with Mum.  They talk about her and miss her all the time.  Dad too, but Mum mainly.

(Quick side story: The other day when I asked Tom if he had told his classmates about going to see Grandma, he said he was nervous to talk about her.  I said, "Why don't you tell them about her cool eye patch and how she looked like a pirate and he said, "I can't! I go to a Christian school and they don't believe in Pirates!"  I can't talk yet about what he told me about Christians who don't allow their children to believe in Santa, because I haven't stopped shaking with fear that he will repeat it at school, but let's just say that he has some certain issues with those Christians and has drawn a line in the sand about where they stand with him.  Oh man!)

So.  Now I guess I should exercise, but I can't be bothered.  I should put on some makeup so that I don't scare people when I go out today.  Since I came off the birth control, my skin is even worse than before.  I hate it.  It pisses me off, but I try to remind myself that I was miserable and moody on the birth control, and I needed to be off it.

This is the first time since age 19 that I have not either been "on" meds or "on" pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones.  It feels terrific.    I know who I am at age 30.   God, did it take that long to figure it out?   You know what?

I really like myself.

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*It wasn't just one scone.

** I had cake with the scone.  And chips.

***The sensible dinner was a scone.  And a jar of olives.  And Pasta Aglio Olio.  There may or may not have been other things with that.  As a matter of fact, it wasn't technically sensible.

Woah!  So many comments on my last post!   I'll finish responding to everyone soon.   I feel very popular and loved.  And also tired.  Because I just finished an eleven hour drive from Mum's house.  And now I am exhausted.  And greasy enough to put an end to the oil shortage in the world.

There were two incidents on the trip home today.  One involved gum.  One involved red fruit punch.  I did not freak out at either of them.  Nobel Peace Committee, please call me.  I am worthy.

I need a shower now.  Just take my word for it.

Tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled programming.

I am a desperate comment hound.  I love them.  I live for them.  And I'm willing to sell my Gran down the river for them.  

Here's the deal.  I'm asking everybody that visits my blog this week to de-lurk--that is, to leave a comment for me.  It doesn't have to be anything special--just a quick hello will be fine.

Tell me how you found my blog.  Do you know me in real life?  Did you find me through somebody else's blog?  Do you want to leave the link to your blog? (You can, provided it's not a pervy one). 

In return for your lovely comments (and they had better be lovely and flowery and complimentary, forget that crap about the quick hello. Okay, fine, quick hello will have to suffice) I am going to post this picture of my Gran pretending to be thrown up against a police car.  See, as I may have mentioned, my Gran has certain issues.  And when she is not flashing her knickers at my sister's new boyfriend (true story--he offered to leave her a dollar) then she is accosting off-duty police officers and asking if she can have her picture taken up against the squad car.   Sweet Fancy Moses!  It's like Geriatrics Gone Wild!  Except with no organisms. Thank God for her mispronunciations.

I have also decided that I am going to (try to) respond to some (if not all) of my comments from now on.  Because when I leave comments somewhere, I like to go back and see if the blogger has responded to my comments.  And when they do?  It feels really good.  So I'd like to do that too.  I figure that if people are nice enough to leave me a comment, I should try and respond.  So that's my pledge to the Blogosphere.  To not be an ungrateful wench. 

And now..........

Don't say I never give you anything.

PS) Chrissakes, Gran!  White troosers??  I am going to hope they are not see-through. 

Two years can make a big difference.   Baby teeth falling out and big, brown, British teeth growing in. (™ Meglin).  Hair growing and hair being cut.  Babyfat lost.  It makes me weep, honestly.

As I took these pictures today, it made me want to stop time.  How has it been two years already since this set of pictures was taken??  My babies are growing up.

I did a lot of thinking about New York yesterday.  And today too, actually.  It's such a fantastic city--no amount of attacks could ever change it. 

This time six months ago we were going on our trip there, so I thought I'd just put in our slideshow of the trip and remember.  Every day, millions of people go and see this city.  I always dreamed about it, and then, we finally went.  And it ROCKED!

So here's what I thought about it at the time and here's a link to the slideshow.  The picture quality is best if you click one of the buttons on the lower right hand side of the video--the one that makes you have a black border around the video. 

Mum called yesterday afternoon.  The spot on her lungs is nothing to worry about!  She's clear!!!

As you can imagine, we're relieved as all hell. 

Love you, Ma!

Last week, the mouse returned.  As I may have mentioned, I am not a fan of vermin, and that includes snakes, mice, rats, door-to-door evangelists, our current President, etc.  I also am not a fan of anything that eats my supply of lentils or coconut.  Usually that is Tom.

But this time the little blighter ate half a loaf of bread (not even the 71¢ kind, it was the nice kind) and some popcorn.  It pissed me off.  But the worst thing of all, was that it had done all this while I was in the same room!  I had been in the pantry to get stuff out for breakfast, and then while I sat with Kristi at the kitchen table, it must have been eating my food, because when she left, I opened the pantry and found that we had been visited yet again!  

We got a new kind of mouse trap, the sort that traps the dead mouse inside it so you never have to see it.  And thank Jeebus for that, because the next morning, I opened the pantry and the trap said, "Mouse Caught" and it was heavy.  And while I felt a little bit of remorse for killing one of the creatures of the world, I also took the trap straight out to the monster bin in the driveway and said, "Farewell, asshole" and dumped the trap in there.

Lest you think I am cruel, let me assure you that I have rescued no less than four spiders from certain death this week.  They keep making webs all over the yard, and I keep having to relocate them.   I put them in their new home with the following advice: Stay the hell away from me and my kids and I'll continue to not squish you.  One bite, and I kill every spider in the yard. 

I may regret my kindness.  But for now, they can live.......outside. 

Life can be shitty sometimes.  And I try not to let it get to me.  So for the rest of my life, whenever anything bad happens, I'm going to think of one of the sweetest moments I've ever had.  Listening to my daughter sing, "Here, There and Everywhere".

I was sitting on the edge of her bed last night.  We were saying goodnight and I was tucking her in.  She was listening to Revolver, as usual.  She has a little cold, so her voice is raspy and she sounds like she smokes a pack a day.  All of a sudden, when her favourite song came on, she started to sing it, and I burst into tears.  Her sweet little voice....... I just couldn't help crying.  It's such a tender song, anyway, and just to hear her sing it so innocently, I just sat there laughing and crying at the same time.  That made her laugh. 

She asked me what happened to the man who shot John, and I told her he was still in prison.  We talked about how he was going to be let out until Yoko stepped up and stopped his parole.

"Finally!!" she said, "Finally Yoko did something right!"

Well, good news!  The tumour has shrunk.  The rest of Mum's body is clear.  Well, we think so.  She's having a repeat scan tomorrow as they've seen something on her lung, but it's probably nothing.  And if it's not nothing, I will be killing myself immediately, because that sort of stuff only happens to other people, and not my Mum.  And also, if I entertain the thought of my Mum not being here, then I have to entertain the thought of having my Dad live with us. 

Which brings us back to me killing myself immediately.

In honour of Mum getting a good report, I'll share a funny story (well, funny if you like laughing at total RETARDS, and by retards, I mean, they can do anything.  ©Sarah Silverman). (And also, shout out to Jenny, not because she's a retard (she totally is), but because she likes Sarah Silverman).

It starts with me telling you, joyously, that my air conditioning in my minivan isn't actually broken.  And I don't have to pay a stupid amount of dollars to get it fixed.  YAY!!!  Cheers!  Hats being thrown into air!  Champagne being opened!

Oh, you didn't know it was broken?  Yes, internet, it was.  Broken as all get-out.  I didn't know how or when it happened or anything, but if I knew anything for sure in this world, it was that my air conditioning was BROKEN!! 

Now, I'm not a big A/C person.  Aaron usually yells at me every other day because he comes home and I have all the doors and windows open and it's like, 80 degrees in the house.  And I'm usually, "Oh, it's so lovely and balmy" and he chews his fist in an attempt to not beat me.  So, I'm not usually enamoured with A/C, unless it's just so frickin' hot. 

Which, it was, yesterday. 

So, I'm coming home, and the air conditioning is blowing out lukewarm air.  And I'm just DYING!  So I've got the windows open (not fun at 70 mph) and I'm cursing the van and the extended warranty that we paid for, because I know it probably won't cover this.  I'm fuming.

I get home and tell Aaron that the air is busted and he goes pale.  Really pale.  And he doesn't say much for a while after that.  But he does whimper.  Because everything in our life is broken right now.  And that is annoying as hell.

So today, while out and about in the van, BOILING, I might add, I see a button on the dash.

So I think, "Hmm, a little snowflake.  A little frostie, if you will.  I wonder if that's the defrost button?" and I push it. 

And miraculously, at the same time, the air conditioning fixes itself!  People,  I am so overjoyed that I nearly swerve off the road.  

Unfortunately, at about the same time that I was congratulating myself on the fact that we wouldn't have to pay to get it fixed, I realized that we may have to have me locked up for my own safety.

(Oh holy Hell, can you imagine if I'd have taken it in and had them look at it?  And they'd have charged me?  TO TURN IT ON???)

Aaron, after almost passing out from relief that we don't have to get something fixed, pointed out just how stupid I am (by the way, thanks arsehole) because if I thought the frostie symbol was the defrost, why would I turn that on to try and stay cool?  Wouldn't it thaw the screen, thus making me even warmer??

I have to lay down now.  My self esteem took a beating today.  I just hope I can figure out how to turn the lights off.

In honour of Steve Irwin, we, the Marmite Breath family, have pledged to exclaim "Crikey!" all day today. 

God Bless, Steve.   You were one of a kind.