Dad, Take Note
When I read this earlier today, I was struck by two things:
(a) My Dad is pretty hilarious, but he really shouldn't drink so much early in the morning
(b) The phrase "testosterone surging" or anything related to testosterone should NEVER, I repeat, NEVER be associated with my Dad. I can't stress how much that grossed me out. Dad, can't we pretend that you don't have testosterone anymore? Let's pretend you're a harmless 60-year-old who potters about in the garden and talks about compost. Let's have no more talk of hormones from you. It's different when I talk about MY hormones, this is MY blog!
Now without any further ado, my guest blogger for the day, Rod "Titch" Handley
Written by: titch
Comment text: I am going to guest blog on you. Is this relevant to hormones and ice cream? Wait and see.
At five thirty this morning the telephone rings. Now everyone knows that when the phone rings at that time of the morning it's never anything good like "Hello Mr Handley you have won the lottery" or "Rod, don't come into work today, take the day off". Instead, what happens is you get that instant icy feeling in the pit of your stomach and the creation of The Perfect Storm churning away in your bowels. Jan answers the phone. The churning gets worse as I hear the English long distance operator say those dreaded words " I have Vera on the line will you accept the charges, innit?" (OK, she didn't say innit). Jan switches the phone to the other ear and from then on all I hear is this one sided conversation - and a muffled voice on the phone- that goes something like this:
Hello, Mam? Yes we were but it's OK. No, no go on, it's OK I'm awake. Yes Five thirty. No really I have to get up in twenty minutes anyway. Is everything alright? Oh all right. No, it's alright, really. Rod will call you later then. No really, I am awake. Yeah six hours. Oh go on then tell me. "you've booked the flight? Great". ( this is the abridged version by the way). Oh is he? (She is so sweet)Yeah, sure, put him on. "Hi Vance how are you? ad infinitum........
And then the dreaded words....
Let me just add here that anyone who has the most cursory knowledge of me knows I would rather stick a needle in my ear than speak on the phone, but at five thirty five in the morning....
The dreaded words: " Yes, he's right here, do you want to speak to him? hang on".
Jan nudges me with the phone knowing full well I am awake now anyway.
"Hi Rod, What are you doing?"
"Oh nothing much Vance I am just trying to recreate the fresco on the Sistine chapel here on my bedroom ceiling. I have to stop now though as I have run out of the ambergris color for the Cupid's eyes. Actually, it's lucky you called at this time of the morning or I would have been at Walmart's getting more scaffolding so I can finish off David's hand near the light fixture."
"Yeah, well I won't keep you Rod but I just wanted to discuss the political ramifications of the Blair Cabinet reshuffle with you".
"Hey Vance, I'm glad you called because paradoxically the Bush administration seems to be heading in the same direction and I was wondering if you thought that the synergystic effect of both could have major global implications."
Okay, okay it went like this:
Hiya Rod
Hey Vanny
Howaya
Fine, nyu
Good
I won't keep ya then, innit. (okay then, he didn't say innit)
See ya.
See ya, luvya
Luvyatoo
Well I am wide awake now and my testosterone is surging so I am going to visit the Doctors -not Tom and Jerry the ice cream people that Nat likes - but Anheiser and Busch or Mitchells and Butlers.
See, I told you it was relevant. Innit
*sigh*
It's like when Dad says things like, "Fwwwoaaaargh, look at your Mum, she is one HOT lady" and I spend the next ten minutes vomiting profusely. Like, for God's sake, Dad, I can deal with the fact that you slept with Mum at least three times in the past, but MUST you act like you wouldn't mind doing it again? EEEWWWWW!!!!!!
It ain't right, I tell ya!!
(Comment this)
If he said those three words to me, I would chase him out into the street.
Luv ya Rod. (Comment this)
First: Although I am a Registered Nurse I could not for the life of me think of another hormone surging through my body. Hence, testosterone.
Second The testosterone. Yes it got rid of the hair on my head (well, that and some freak mutated gene that came from God knows where) but lets face it, at fifty nine - NOT SIXTY - there must still be some lurking around in my body because when I see the attractive woman who I have been married to for 32 years, my aging body reacts like a young stallion in the rutting season with pounding blood coursing through my veins and my every thought clouded with lust until...........oops, sorry, I got carried away! Ahhhh testosterone you little devil.
I digress.
Second: Nat, your mother continues to be an attractive and sensuous woman. Jim Griffin often says to her she is sensuous. Well he puts it this way "Sensuous up, bring me another drink" Yuk yuk. Anyway, your assumption that we, Jan and I, did it three times is erroneous, not erogenous, and it is time to tell the truth. I was unfaithful to your mother and you are not my daughter. Ha Ha. You wish!
Anyway, sorry to disappoint you but your mother will be home soon and will want to do it so I have to go and slip into something cool and comfortable. She says if I have time to blog then I have time to paint the bathroom window and replace the door in my bathroom.
What did you think I meant?
10-4 out and finally over.
(Comment this)
Don't worry though, everyone knows a menopausal woman is prone to floods of tears at the least excuse so they won't say anything!
My god!....This latest blogging brings back memories of boozy evenings at Chevin Avenue!!
Rod (and Jan's) wit and humour always brings laughter to my humdrum life....thats' one of the reasons I love 'em so much xxxxxxxx (Comment this)
The syntax on the Dad/toilet episode was vintage Viz. Yes vintage. You must have been doing some serious reading! Everyone....re-read it and discounting the first sentence tell me if I'm not right.
Kudos, you cheeky monkey. (Comment this)